Thursday, July 08, 2010

we interrupt this thursday with a freak out

I am having one of those moments. You know the kind - they last for a few weeks, and mostly involve you feeling strung over, stretched thin, and panicky, as if the world is rolling on it's merry way and you've fallen so behind you'll never catch up. Usually when this happens, I can attribute it to something specific. Stress from being unhappy in my job. Not enough exercise of, equally disconcerting, too much. Poor diet. Conflict with a friend. Falling into a rut, resulting in feelings of worthlessness and failure, even if those feelings are completely unwarranted.

This time? The feeling stems from none of those things. Or maybe it's all of those things? I can't tell. I haven't had a spare minute to reflect on anything long enough to figure it out.

I guess it probably has a lot to do with starting a new job less than three weeks ago, and trying to find my place in a world (grants! research! fast paced office full of deadlines!) in which I am not entirely familiar. Getting used to the switch from librarian to Research Development Specialist has been challenging and exhausting and yes, enjoyable, but still - stress is stress, even if it's the good kind. I just feel like in the meantime, I'm falling behind on a lot of other things. I've been keeping up with my July Writing Challenge (mostly) but I feel like I'm rushing through the words to reach the 500 minimum. While something is infinitely better than nothing, it's not the deep, creative act of writing meaningful work that I envisioned for myself. I also have a lot of little projects, half finished, that are beginning to pile up, which is another source of disatisfaction. We bought paint for the bathroom weeks ago, and all I've done so far is remove the photos and postcards from the walls. I've been meaning to repot the Christmas cactus, and moved it outside for that exact purpose, and still it sits there, waiting for me. Not to mention that if I'm serious about reapplying to MFA programs this year, I need to start organizing myself now. Narrow down schools, figure out what I want to put in my writing sample, etc. ACK!

You know what I really want to do? Take a nap, preferably on a beach. Read a book by a campfire. Go on vacation to another country, or even just another town. I know that this will pass, that I will finish my projects and I'll find a way to be productive and have my downtime too. After all, we're camping in two weeks; I'm going to visit New York in three. I will read books then, I will write without being rushed. I will return, refreshed and ready to face the world with a gorgeous bathroom. These things will happen. In the meantime, I just need to take a deep breath and push through.

All together now: breathe...

10 comments:

  1. Yeah, that was me last night... and I decided to immaturely douse it in beer & wine. And now I'm hungover at work on a Thursday. Brilliant. Hope your days get better.

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  2. Chrissy, you and I are kindred spirits when it comes to this particular personality "funk". I get caught up in stress constantly, with no real idea where it all comes from, and no idea where to begin to alleviate it. Everything feels rushed and half-assed, which results in guilt, which then results in me standing in the middle of a room, one hand on my forhead trying to still my blurry brain, the other on my stomach trying to calm the nerves...until I finally realize that it all will get done, I will figure it out, but none of that will happen until I...breath. Totally feeling you. Try to find time for that nap, they really help too. :-)

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  3. The closer you get to vacation time you'll feel better. You've loaded your plate, for sure, but luckily you are a good eater. You'll lick that plate clean before you know it. :)

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  4. Hang in there! Even though I'm leaving for Italy tomorrow, I'm totally frantic right now. Apparently one of my committee members hates my prose, and there are tons of markings on every page. I'm just trying to push through until 5. Then I have to stop to run errands, finish packing, and clean so that my friend who is house sitting doesn't come to a den of sloth tomorrow.

    I'm taking deep breaths, too!

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  5. There must be something in the air, or a full moon, making us all a little wacky right now. I will say that I was able to cross two things off my list today, without adding anything else, so that felt really good. One step at a time!

    Oh, and I might get married just so I can honeymoon in Italy. Have a great time, La Historiadora!

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  6. If you ever start to feel work-related stress, think of me. Remember that you could be a degree carrying, certified high school teacher who is working for minimum wage in the 2 year old classroom at a daycare. Enough said, right? Hope things start looking up for you :)

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  7. Thanks for putting things into perspective, CMM! But at least you're making a noble sacrifice that you can hold over your son's head when he's an unruly teen. :)

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  8. I look forward to reading on Monday how you caught up on all of this :) Cause you're that awesome.

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  9. You need a spa day...

    (I've never had one myself, so I don't really know what that means...but I think you need one.)

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  10. Wow. I just had a very similar conversation about feelings like yours yesterday with Vic. I have filled the last three weeks with cooking, decluttering my house, trying to get in an exercise routine, playing with the kids, and reading fluff novels. My more creative goals seem to still be on hold. Bring on the campfire and books.

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